I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize