I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
