if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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