You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
