I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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