Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
