I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize