So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
