i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize