Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
