I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize