Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
