Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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