Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
