wakey wakey hands off snakey
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
