you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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