took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
