oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
