Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
