Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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