She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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