he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
