mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
