There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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