the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
