When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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