what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
