Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
