I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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