he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
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