Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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