Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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