I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize