smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
