Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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