he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize