Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
