went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
