Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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