All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
