if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
