so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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