she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
