Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize