So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
