she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
