She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
