They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
