You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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