My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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