Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
