so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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