we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I didn't notice because vodka
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
