I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
