i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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