how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
