I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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