I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
