it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
