I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
